“It’s your most special day.” As a bride … it’s a line that I get at least three times a day from wedding vendors. I’ve come to realize it’s code for “I’m asking you to spend an absurd amount of money on something I know doesn’t really cost that much”. Every single vendor declares that their service is THE most important part of the wedding, and if I don’t have “it”, my wedding is an epic disaster. ALL of them tell you “You have to spend a lot of money on “fill in the blank” … it’s what the guests will remember.” So basically you’re saying people aren’t coming to celebrate my wedding … they’re coming for that ugly monogram you want to disply in lights on the wall?!?

Don’t get me wrong, I am a frivolous spender. I don’t necessarily look for sales. I buy on impulse. I will pay a lot of money to eat truffles. I don’t get bent out of shape about high gas prices. But something about the amount of money spent on a wedding is killing me. It’s six hours of my life … that can potentially cost more than buying a luxury car or going on ten huge vacations!  Not to mention my parents are older … and have been sick over the last few years. Can you imagine the guilt? “Mom and Dad, I know you guys are at end the of your life and that you might need something for your health, but could you spring for the dancing bears at the wedding? I really, really want them!”

I can’t tell you the number of girls I know who’ve recently gotten married … and in the end, had to give up something big like a honeymoon or rehearsal dinner … because they went crazy with the wedding spending. Ironically, I hear the same line from them. They know they’ve gone above their budget and console themselves with “But it’s my most special day.” Good news… your special day is going to last longer than a day … as you pay it off for the next year.

I had to tell a DJ that the price he quoted me for three hours of work is more than I make in TWO WEEKS of work as a television producer. Not to knock DJ’s … but you’re saying you need that much to push some buttons … and make some announcements??? Wait, and the baker wants $1,000 for cake? I don’t want you to build the Titanic … just give me something that looks and tastes good! And by the way, I know you made that same cake for someone else’s birthday for 1/3 of the price. People hear the word wedding … and they hear “Emotional romantic that will do anything to make their most special day, more special.” 

Well, I’m not drinking your Kool-Aid. But I really do want the dancing bears. It’s a nice touch, don’t you think?

When you buy a new car in Miami, you better savor the moment when the dealer brings it around from the shop, all clean and perfect. You will NEVER see it that way again.  Mere seconds after you drive it off the dealership lot… you are at war with the drivers of South Florida. It’s life or death … or in this case, dents.

Seriously, look around you. Almost every car in Miami has serious war wounds. Mirrors missing, bumpers hanging off, taped-up windows. And no matter what you do, “they” always seem after you. They park next to you, swerve into your lane, and threaten to strike your bumper at any second. I mean, really, you’ve had 50 accidents, your insurance has been taken away, your car barely runs, so now you want to punish me?????

When I recently bought a new car, I decided I would do whatever I could to protect it, and me, from having to pay for all the dents and dings. My first plan: buy a car that I don’t LOVE. Yep, only rookies buy expensive, flashy cars in Miami. I came to Florida in a brand new Infiniti, and six years later, I know that drivers here seek out new cars … and torture the owners. FACT.
So I got a car I kinda like … and that will simply blend in. Nothing to see here folks…keep moving.

My first test: parking my new car in one of the city’s public parking garages. My plan seemed solid. I would park on the highest level, where no one wants to park. It’s uncovered in the hot sun, and a long walk to the elevator. More proof it was a good plan: not one car was parked there … and PLENTY of spaces were left on the lower levels.

No lie, I was only gone 15 minutes. When I arrived at my car … the driver of a dumpy van had decided the spot next to my car was the BEST spot in the entire empty lot. As I walked closer, I watched like 8 adults and kids, pile out of the van like clowns. Doors flung open, and trash was being thrown on, and around, my spotless car. Seriously kid, you needed an ice cream cone at 10 in the morning? And you thought it was appropriate to throw your CapriSun all over my car? When I asked one of the kids, who I will call PigPen, if he and his family tossed all that trash on the ground, and on my car, he denied it. Denied it, as he licked ice cream from his fat lips. Bottom line … no matter where you park, they will find you.

The residents of South Beach are the worst. You know the ones who have to find street parking every night. I’m sorry that you didn’t spring for the building with reserved spots, but that gives you no right to be a “Bumper.” That’s what I call them. They will parallel park in a space that is not big enough for their car … and bump your car to “fit” into the space. Awesome. It happens all over the beach … and most of them will tell you it’s their only option. Right. ORRRRRR I know … you could find a space that doesn’t involve hitting another car.

By the way, by day two, I already had a scratch on my car. Because I’m crazy, I made my security guard at my building let me watch the security tape of the garage, to see if it was one of the people in my building. 24 hours of security tape and I didn’t see any one do it. But what I did see … random neighbors inspecting my car, looking in my windows, touching my car. Really??? Who does that? You’re not at a car lot! So now I go to bed every night, thinking about all the people in my building touching my car as they walk by. Weirdos. 

I thought about just getting a bike, but have you seen what people do to those??